Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
worst night to have a conscience
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
