You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
