the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
