Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
