you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
