Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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