Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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