Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I AM VODKA MAN
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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