well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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