You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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