the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
