If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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