Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
