I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
