I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
