Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
