I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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