OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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