Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
