I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
