I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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