I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just google imaged poop.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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