The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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