Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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