I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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