if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
