dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
