Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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