she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
