Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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