My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
