but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
