she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
