He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
