I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
