I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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