You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
