i was born a porn star she said
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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