I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
