He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My vagina just recognized that song.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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