I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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