I looked at my own cervix.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
