Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
