Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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