oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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