just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
