Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
