Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
