U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
