Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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