i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Houston, we have a blender
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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