Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
